The Sheriff brings misery to all the inhabitants of Nottingham, Prince John is travelling to Nottingham to be crowned King. Sir guy of Gisbourne has arranged for his ward, the beautiful Lady Marion, to be brought to Nottingham as the Sheriffs bride.
Robin Hood is the local hero and word of his good deeds have travelled far and wide making a certain Juan sheet travel from Spain to join the Merry Men.
with a journey to Scotland to find a love potion antidote, an archery contest and a pan to swap brides there is plenty of fun for all in this tale of old Nottingham.
Chorus of Villagers, Jurors, Prisoners , Headless Ghost
Robin Hood Male or Female
Our brave hero he is not intimidated by the evil Sheriff of Nottingham but is in love with the lovely Lady Marion
Lady Marion -Female
A strong leading lady who falls in love with Robin
Dame – Male
Looks after the Lady Marion as only a dame can!
Sheriff of Nottingham – Male
Sir Guy of Gisbourne –Male
Prince John – Male
Alan a Dale and Much the Miller’s son – male or female
Friar Tuck – male
Scrap Man – male or female
Juan Sheet – male or female
Laird of Cock-a-Leekie Castle – male
Dick Turpentine highwayman – Female
Captain of the guard
Dear old Mother!
Chorus of Villagers, Jurors, Prisoners , Headless Ghost
Scene 1 Nottingham Goose Fair
Scene 2 Nottingham Court
Scene 3 Inside Nottingham Castle
Scene 4 Sherwood Forest
Scene 5 The Archery Contest in Nottingham
Scene 1 Cock – a- Leekie Castle
Scene 2 Inside Nottingham Castle
Scene 3 Sherwood Forest
Scene 4 The Chapel in Nottingham Castle
EXAMPLES OF DIALOGUE
1st PERSON: Nottingham must be the most miserable place in the world.
2nd PERSON: So depressing.
3rd PERSON: So hopeless.
4th PERSON: We’re taxed to starvation.
3rd PERSON: It’s worse than living in ( Local Place) (6th PERSON ENTERS RIGHT)
2ND PERSON: And Where have you been?
5th PERSON: I‘ve just been to Waterstones to get Friar Tuck’s new cook book signed 101 way with a butternut squash.
3rd PERSON: Nottingham used to be such a happy place but now everyone is so gloomy.
1st PERSON: And it’s all down to two men
2nd PERSON: Nick Clegg and David Cameron??
3rd PERSON: No, Stupid! The Sheriff of Nottingham and Prince John.
3rd PERSON: Please help us, when you hear anyway say the Sheriff of Nottingham please give us your loudest boooooo (SHERIFF AND SIR GUY ENTER RIGHT)
4TH PERSON ; Here comes the Sheriff of Nottingham
ALL : Booooo
SIR GUY: I say Shewwiff , the people must have known you were awwiving.
SHERIFF: Be quiet Sir Guy (TO CHORUS) and be quiet you miserable peasants! (TO AUDIENCE) and you lot as well. That was no way to greet your Lord and master; I might just have to think of something else to tax.
ALL: Oh no!! ( SOUND LIKE A BUGLE FROM OFF STAGE LEFT)
SCRAP MAN: Iron, any old Iron, old arrows and bows, old goblets
3rd PERSON: We have nothing here today
4th PERSON: I gave you everything I had yesterday (SCRAP MAN BLOWS BUGLE AND EXIT RIGHT)
2nd PERSON: My Lord can I interest you in a fortune card?
SIR GUY: Oh go on Shewwiff it will be fwightful fun, its one of my favowite parts of the goose fair.
SHERIFF: Sometimes I worry about you Sir Guy ,oh go on then how much is it?
DAME: That’s the last time we travel by Arriva buses. You never know where the stops are to get off!! Ooh ooh ooh (PULLING A FACE)
MARION: Oh dear are you alright ? whatever is the matter?
DAME: Nothing to worry about just my botox wearing off, I bought it from the pound shop and I don’t think it’s the real stuff it was that last bump coming over Lyth Hill its made me start to droop! And I thought it was a goose fair I can’t see a goose anywhere (JUAN WALKS BEHIND HER DAME SHRIEKS)
JUAN: A goose my lady.
ROBIN: (LOVE STRUCK LOOKING AT LADY MARION) Wow !! who is that!
DAME: Being dumped in the middle of Nottingham is not the way I planned my Lady Marion to arrive for her wedding. (TO ROBIN) Are you looking at me young man?
ROBIN: ah well, yes I can’t take my eyes off you, I’ve never seen a woman like you before
DAME: Oh you cheeky young boy, stop flirting with me, But I fully understand how you feel I have always has a certain effect on the gentlemen you know, oh yes I’m not just a woman I’m an M & S Woman! but I’m here to look after Lady Marion she’s going to get married. I know what you’re thinking I bet you thought I was the blushing bride but not this time, there is still a chance for you if you pop the right question . (ROBIN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY).
MARION: I don’t want to be here at all, if I have my way there won’t be a wedding.
DAME: My Dear, I will be an honour to marry the Sheriff of Nottingham.
MARION: If he’s so special you marry him then!
DAME: Well I would love to , I do love a good wedding, the last one I went to was between two television ariels the wedding was rubbish but the reception was brilliant!! Oh then there was my own wedding well I say wedding I was going to get married but I had to leave him at the altar due to Ill Health ……I was sick of him!
MARION: Oh Please you must all help me I don’t want to marry the Sheriff of Nottingham .ALL: Booooooooo
DAME: Lady Marion all young brides have pre wedding jitters
MARION: But the Sheriff is so unkind, he’s horrid! He doesn’t look after people he’s just selfish!(ROBIN STEPS FORWARD)
JURY: (POINTS TO HIM) Guilty! Guilty
CAPT: Quiet, I am the Clerk of the Court!
JURY: Hang ‘im! Hang ‘im!
CAPT: All silent for His Honour the Judge (THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM ENTERS RIGHT)
JUROR 1: It’s the Sheriff of Nottingham
JURY: Guilty! Guilty!!
SHERIFF: Captain, I’m afraid the judge cannot make it today due to a nasty accident with a Hedgehog, so I’m sitting instead today.
CAPT: The Judge today is the Sheriff of Nottingham.
JURY: Guilty! Guilty!
SHERIFF: I’m the Judge; I’m never guilty of anything.
JUROR 2: That’s not what I’ve heard !!!
JURY: Guilty Guilty!!
CAPT: Silence in court
SHERIFF: Order Order
JUROR 3: 2 halves of ale
JUROR 4: and a packet of Hula Hoops
JUROR 1: and a can of Red Bull for me
SHERIFF: Not that sort of order
CAPT: Silence in court!
SHERIFF: Bring in the first prisoner.
CAPT: Bring in the first prisoner
JURY: Bring in the first prisoner
OFF STAGE: Bring in the first prisoner (PAUSE) which one is the first prisoner?
JURY: Which one is the first prisoner?
CAPT: Which one is the first prisoner my lord?
SHERIFF: (IRRITATED) I don’t know; try the first one in the queue
CAPT: ( COPYING THE SHERRIFF SPEAKS)I don’t know; try the first one in the queue
JURY: I don’t know, it’s the first one in the queue
OFF STAGE: I don’t know, it’s the first one in the queue (PRISONER IS BROUGHT IN)
PRISONER: Get your ‘ands off me I’ve done Nuffink!
SHERIFF: That will be for me to decide.
PRISONER: I thought it was for them to decide (POINTS TO THE JURY)
SHERIFF: Oh get on with it.
PRISONER: I was just standing out there in a line and all of a sudden I was dragged up here its harassment that’s what it is I’ve done nuffink!
CAPT: do you have any witnesses……
PRISONER: How can I have witnesses to NUFFINK!
SHERIFF: Don’t try to be clever with the Captain he can’t cope with it, do you have any witnesses that you have done Nuffink I mean nothing.
PRISONER: yeah, I have me dear old mother
CAPT: Bring in the dear old mother
JURY: Bring in the dear old mother
OFFSTAGE: Bring in the dear old mother (PAUSE) The dear old mother is on her way.
JURY: The dear old mother is on her way
CAPTAIN: The dear old mother is on her way (MOTHER ENTERS RIGHT)
MARION: I’m not really thirsty (THEY KEEP SWAPPING GOBLETS DURING THE NEXT FEW LINES)
SHERIFF: Just a sip.
MARION: I don’t think so.
SHERIFF: Go on, please.
SHERIFF: Just to show there are no hard feelings.
MARION: Oh alright. (MARION TAKES WRONG GOBLET)
SHERIFF: No! Not that one, I can see a fly in that goblet.
MARION: What’s a fly doing in that goblet?
SHERIFF: The breaststroke I think!
MARION: Mmmm it does smell lovely and fresh.
SHERIFF: Then drink up.
MARION: Alright then. (SHE DRINKS AND THE SHERIFF LAUGHS)
SHERIFF: How do you feel Lady Marion?
MARION: I feel rather dizzy, are you sure it was only apple juice?
SHERIFF: Of course (ASIDE) With a secret added ingredient. Because I am the Sheriff of Nottingham
MARION: Oh Sheriff, my darling! My deepest love!! I feel wonderful.
SHERIFF: It works! It really works! Ha Ha Ha!! I might just put some in the tea during the interval and see what happens to you lot!
MARION: Oh my love, my hero, when are we to be married?
SHERIFF: Soon my dear very soon.
MARION: But I cannot wait I want to marry you now, I want to be Mrs Sheriff or will I be Mrs Nottingham!
SHERIFF: You must be patient; I hope I didn’t put too much in! That big hairy haggis was right It’s a miracle. (TO MARION) Why don’t you take a walk in the garden I’ll meet you by the Gazebo.
LAIRD: Och Sheriff how nice to see you again, It’s a joy to be able to have the chance of repaying your hospitality and welcoming you to my weee humble home Cock-a- leekie Castle.
SHERIFF: Thank you, but I wasn’t expecting the ‘Pay as you enter’ sign on the front door.
LAIRD: Did you have 50p to get through or did ya need the change machine.
SHERIFF: I did have some money thank you.
LAIRD: Good, Good, now then what can I do for you – it’s been a long journey for ya man, I’m forgetting my manners what about a wee cup of tea?
LAIRD: (IN HORROR) Nay man nay! Staff costs money!
SHERIFF: Well down to business, now the love potion you sold me……..
LAIRD: I dunna give refunds! It says so in the weee terms and conditions on the back of the label!
SHERIFF: I don’t want a refund I’m very pleased with the potion, but do you have an antidote?
SHERIFF: Then I would like to buy all the bottles.
SHERIFF: Yes, every single one.
LAIRD: All three hundred and fifty eight?
LAIRD: At….. £1 per bottle.
SHERIFF: What! The original potion was 50p.
LAIRD: But the antidote is more difficult to make.
SHERIFF: 75p per bottle (THE NEXT LINES MUST BE DONE QUICKLY WITH THE LAIRD BECOMING MORE AND MORE IRRITATED)
SHERIFF: Oh Alright 83½p per bottle.
LAIRD: That’s £358.72 you owe me.
SHERIFF: No it’s not, it’s (COUNTING) £298.93p
LAIRD: Plus 20% VAT, grand total £358.72 All major cards accepted (POINTS TO A SIGN ON THE WALL) the bottles are in the cellar.
SHERIFF ENTERS RIGHT
SHERIFF: Ah your Highness, what a wonderful day, what a wonderful day for pouring boiling oil over Friar Tuck and saying how’s that for a deep fat Friar! My mission is a success, one more blow for that menace Robin Hood. Ha! Ha!! I shall rule Nottingham, with an iron fist.
PRINCE: I beg your pardon! If there is any ruling to be done I will do it.
SHERIFF: Of course a slip of the tongue. But Lady Marion is still in love with me, so in love that she has escaped from Hood’s clutches and ran back here to be with me.
PRINCE: (WITH SARCASM) Well Hoorah! While you have been in Scotland all I have had is the Captain for company. I played scrabble with him every day, but he only knows one word and that has four letters ,there are only so many times can you put fish on the board. Are you sure nothing will go wrong, tomorrow I’ve had some bad omens.
SHERIFF: Trust me, the guests are arriving, your brother is hundreds of miles away, so nothing can go wrong. (DAME ENTERS STAGE LEFT)
PRINCE: Well I am going to for a haircut; I do want to look my best. (EXIT LEFT)
DAME: Sheriff, you are looking a little tense.
SHERIFF: But I feel wonderful.
DAME: No, No I can see a few lines appearing, and the odd bag under the eyes, in fact they are more like suitcases! You need this just a few dabs around the eyes (DRAWS TWO BLACK CIRCLES AROUND HIS EYES) there, doesn’t that feel nice. You’ll look lovely for the wedding (SHERIFF TURNS ROUND WITH TWO BLACK RINGS ROUND HIS EYES)
SHERIFF: Actually it does feel rather soothing. (SIR GUY ENTERS LEFT SHERIFF TURNS AWAY)
SIR GUY: My Love!
DAME: Oh Sir Guy, (WHISPERS IN AN EXAGGERATED WAY) do not mention the eyes. (EXITS LEFT SHERIFF TURNS TO GUY)
SHERIFF: Right Sir Guy (SIR GUY’S MOUTH DROPS OPEN) What’s wrong?
SIR GUY: Nothing, nothing at all, no there’s nothing wrong (MUMBLING TO HIMSELF) Don’t mention the eyes don’t mention the eyes.
SIR GUY: (TO DAME) Stay close me allow me to pwotect you!
DAME: I’m alright Sir Guy.
ROBIN: Your guards have all run away so if you want to catch me Sheriff you’ll have to do it yourself!
SHERIFF: Then so be it , it will be my pleasure ( HE DRAWS HIS SWORD AND FIGHT DURING THE FIGHT SCENE ROBIN AND SHERRIF MOVE TO STAGE RIGHT AND MOVE OFF STAGE THEN ROBIN COMES BACK WITH A ‘STUFFEDD SHERIFF’ AND THROWS IT AROUND EVENTUALLY THROWING OF OFF STAGE THE REAL SHERIFF APPEARS STAGE LEFT DUSTS HMSELF OFF AND RESNUMES THE FIGHT BUT ROBIN WINS)
ROBIN: Sheriff, this is not your day!
JUAN: Don’t forget Prince John
PRINCE: You leave me alone I’m about to be coronated!
ROBIN: Well we have a surprise for you don’t we Lady Cheryl
DICK: Eye pet we do that, we got someone who’s gonna put the mojo back into the country, a fella who really has the x factor, you don’t have the x factor have you Prince John
PRINCE: Well I don’t know..
DICK: Well you haven’t you’d not make my final 12 but here is my number one guy King Richard!
PRINCE: No, this cannot be (TO SHERIFF) you promised me everything would be alright on the night
SHERIFF: Oh be quiet, is that all you can do just moan moan moan!
KING: John you would have made a terrible ruler.
JUAN: he wouldn’t have measured up to the job!
KING: But with men like Robin Hood the safety of England was always guaranteed. Robin Come forward( ROBIN MOVES FORWARD) as a token of my gratitude I hereby grant you by royal pardon the title of Earl of Huntingdon and all the lands and privileges accordingly
ROBIN: Thank you your majesty I don’t know what to say.
PRINCE: Well I do and it’s not very nice!
SHERIFF: What is to become of me?
KING: You must leave England never to return
SHERIFF: But where will I go? (LAIRD ENTERS LEFT)
LAIRD: You can always stay with me at very reasonable rates
SHERIFF: Oh no, but before I go can I have just one wish.
KING: What is it?
SHERIFF: The lady Marion looks so lovely in her wedding dress; may I have just one Kiss?
KING: Is that alright Lady? (MARION NODS) very well Sheriff (SHERIFF LIFTS THE VEIL TO REVEAL ALAN WITH LIPS PURSED.